US and Pakistan Involved in Secret “Game of Riddles”

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran


US and Pakistani officials were forced to confirm the existence of a secret agreement allowing US forces to take out al Qa'ida leader Osama bin Laden if his hiding place in Pakistan was ever located.

Both nations have described their clandestine pact as a cross between Where's Wally and the Riddle Game.

Pakistani Prime Minister, Yosuf Raza Gilani, declared that after 10 years of playing this “exciting” game the US had finally succeeded in locating bin Laden. “Let no one draw any wrong conclusions. We hid bin Laden in a top secret location and even set him up in a nifty pad with Sky+ so that he wouldn't feel the need to make so many Jihad videos with the name of the street in the background. Every year we would give the Americans another riddle that, once solved, would bring them closer to finding him. I am pleased to say that Mr Obama himself finally cracked the last one! Now it's our turn!”

The White House released a statement acknowledging Mr Gilani's comments and thanked Pakistan for their good sportsmanship in allowing George W Bush to be replaced by Obama in 2008, when the former failed to solve even the first riddle. The statement also made special mention of the role played by Britain in solving the riddles, specifically thanking them for the tea and sandwiches provided at the 5-year interval.

However, some have voiced their disapproval of this type of counter-terrorism tactic. US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton and German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, both of whom were not involved, said in a joint statement, “It's not fair. Girls can play too!”

Son of ex British fascist leader with penchant for nazi-themed sex parties becomes self-appointed defender of privacy and human rights

By Tom de Plume

Er, story ends (ed).

Vince Cable, Chuck Norris, Which is Which?

By Tom de Plume

Reports came flooding in this week of Vince Cable being repeatedly mistaken for legendary hard man and maverick martial arts expert, Chuck Norris. Snaps captured by a short-sighted paparazzi, who had initially mistaken him for Indiana Jones on a really, really bad day, showed he had ditched his trademark fedora and  constantly slightly snivelling beak for a well-kempt, rough ginger beard, cleft chin and look that could break a man as easily as it could a woman's heart. He also vowed to only ever refer to himself in the third person in future.

Coinciding with this transformation, Cable issued instructions to Lib Dem party members (or "future warriors of justice", as he described them) to give Cameron and his dislike of multiculturalism 'the bird' and concentrate on fighting real evil-doers, like Nick 'Big Boss Man' Griffin, and bankers.

"Vince Cable doesn't worry about immigration", Cable was quoted as saying, "Wherever Vince Cable is, that's the only country that matters. They say no man is an island, except Vince Cable. He is actually an island, or he will be soon. He plans to set down in the Mid-Atlantic Somewhere, buoyed in the tide by his own sense of self-worth, power, and determination. Then the immigrants can come to him, which is the only place it'll be worth being anyway. When you reach Vince Cable, you aren't an immigrant any more, you're home".

Lawyers acting for Cable confirmed that the Mental Health Act's territorial scope does not stretch to where Cable is planning to set up his new utopia, unfortunately, as they really would like to get him the help he so obviously needs.

Cowell Enlisted to Help "Sex Up" AV Referendum

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Simon Cowell has been formally enlisted by the Government to promote the upcoming AV referendum. The man behind ITV's X-Factor show, in which the public vote for which contestant should remain on the popular singing contest, is seen as the ideal person to help bring the AV debate to the mass public.

While the arguments over AV continue to rage between supporters of the “Yes” and “No” campaigns, MPs are concerned that recent polls suggest only 11% of the population intend to turn out for the referendum on 5^th May. Furthermore, 65% of those polled by the Flocci non Faccio report said that their vote would be directly influenced by whatever Stephen Fry wrote on his Twitter page.

Mike Rainthorpe, head of the left-wing think tank, 'AV It, yeah?, said “The problem with AV is basically threefold. Firstly, it's difficult to comprehend at the best of times; secondly, no-one can say for sure how it will affect a future election as it's never been tried before and thirdly, given the chance, most people would rather look at a pair of tits on Page 3 than read about the merits of alternative voting.”

“This is where Cowell comes in. He's got a proven track record in getting the public to vote for something that most see as insignificant but others see as life or death” he continued.

Rumours around Whitehall suggest that Cowell is planning a series of televised debates, akin to those seen during the recent general election, where supporters of both campaigns will be paired with either a former glamour model or a member of England's Ashes-winning cricket team in a tag-team style face-off.

Templeton Prize Ulterior Motive Revealed

From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones 


Sources close to The Templeton Prize committee have revealed the selection of Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees was really an experiment designed to make angry atheist Richard Dawkins literally explode with rage.


"Specious ramblings of quasi scientific bunkum dressed as elloquent concision!" Screamed Dawkins.
 
Impartial commentators on both sides of the religious debate have praised the choice of Rees for the $1m award. Following recent archeological discoveries in the Middle East which indicate Jesus was openly gay, impartial Christians were crying out for some fresh idolatry to come onto the scene. In Rees they landed a someone who just doesn't make too much noise about the obvious shortcomings of their dogma and can be marketed to the congregation as a 'scientific church goer'. Meanwhile impartial Atheists were beaming about the contempt Rees shows for the quaint Anglican doctrine by simultaneously taking advantage of their hospitality and refusing to acknowledge the existence of God.


"Crusaderous purveyor of creationist denial!" Hissed Dawkins.
 
Rees himself is relaxed about receiving $1m. With piercing glare he denounced the whole point of the Templeton Prize, "I don't think there's any possibility of constructive interaction between science and religion in explaining the material world," as he booked himself a pair of first class air tickets to Las Vegas. "Obviously religion is separate from science. And which god are you referring to anyway, precisely which element of the lacuna shall we call god? Anyway, excuse me, I'm going to use the toilet in the church and then listen to one of their free gigs after I've asked my concierge to get me a table at Funky Buddha."


"God? GOD? Did you say GOD?", Howled Dawkins.

Polly Toynbee Generator - This Week's Story

By the Polly Toynbee Generator

The coalition demands 25 million from the funds of the elderly.

If you cut from the Working Men's Club then filthy fat cats will start a drought which will also affect the Bethnal Green Library and the Meals on Wheels

The reason why Labour is good and the budget defecit is irrelevant this week is the gap between culture and wealth

Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.