Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.  

Keep All Food on One Plate, Restaurants Told

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Ministers have been accused of turning the nation into a giant Toby Carvery, after restaurants were ordered to restore the old system of one meal on one plate instead of selling these as expensive extras on the side.

Commenting on the change in legislation, Food Minister Jim Paice remarked that only last week he had gone to a pub and ordered a steak, to find that vegetables and chips were not included in the price of the meal and would have to be purchased at an extra £3.50 each, adding ‘The nation have effectively been strung up like kippers, paying out an extra 30% on meals for the privilege of  some chips or salad with their meals.’

Food industry pundits were quick to criticise the move, pointing out that it is painfully gauche having all food groups together under one price and predicted a knock-on effect on the sales of specialist ingredients such as Pak Choi and Rustic Chips.

Pub-goers on the other hand have welcomed the change in law since now they can buy a reasonable meal for around £10 safe in the knowledge that everything is included.

Polly Toynbee - From Our New Super-Dooper Generator - 3 April 2011

Right wing cronies will cut 50 billion from the budget of Prince Harry.

If you axe Chris Hoy then the coalition will cut your ability to interpret simple road signs, which will also affect the Lincoln festivals and the rights of farmers.

The reason why Labour is good and the budget deficit is irrelevant this week is the librarian at the Whitechapel Idea Store told me his tax-driver friend took a £20 fare the other day.

The Polly Toynbee Generator

Our boffins here at The Week have been working hard over recent months, and have now successfully distilled Polly Toynbee's journalism into a programme which can produce articles reflecting, with uncanny similarity, her views in any given week.

This week's article follows.

Only 2 days to Save Money You Haven’t Got

By Tom de Plume

As the deadline of the end of the current tax year looms, financial advisers everywhere have been advising anyone who will listen that they only have two days to take advantage of this year’s myriad opportunities to put their money into various savings accounts and investments, tax-free. 

Jes Skelam, of Moon, Bust and Wilder, explained, “This really is a great opportunity. Of course, my rich clients are the ones who will be most interested, but for the 97.2% of the population who have been suffering in the present climate, opportunities are still there. Just today I advised a client not to spend 56 pence on a mars bar, but rather put it in a stocks and shares ISA where, in five years time, accounting for the current low interest rate and high rate of inflation, it will be worth approximately 37 and a half pence. Now, before you say it, I realise that is less than the original investment, but the beauty of this investment is that it is... wait for it... TAX FREE! That means that the government, at a time of unprecedented cuts to public services, won’t get its hands on a single penny of the money you’re not making on the money you don’t have. Having spoken to a number of my clients, I understand that is what is really important to them”. 

Meanwhile another large financial adviser, Grabbit and Runne, went into liquidation, replacing its website with a link to William Hill and a note to the effect that clients would, frankly, be better off in their hands anyway.

Councils to Evict Pest Mothers

By Tom de Plume

News emerged this week that various London borough councils are planning to use their powers to evict scores of middle class mums from the aisles of Waitrose, the pavements outside outlets of Carluccio's and boutique shops selling the sort of pointless shit that no-one, ever has needed for any reason whatsoever. Although the mums have been in near-constant occupation of these sites for some years now, with little objection or interference in the lives of ordinary people, their insistence on bringing 200-kilo, alumininum and titanium-reinforced double buggies which cost enough to feed the poor family living in council housing down the road for several years onto these premises, in clear contravention of local planning laws, has caused the councils to finally push back.

Jes Skelam, a regular in the Nag's Head, who works a 35-hour week, buys food to stop himself being hungry, and has never heard of a snood, expressed strong support for the proposals. "The thing is, right, I have nothing directly against these so-called 'browsing mums', but the fact is they're not really 'browsing' or 'passing through', are they? They are there to make sure they pick up the first batch of tuiled, almond-encrusted croissant-cakes, and expose their children to enough people to ensure at least twenty adulations from random strangers every day, thereby affirming their parenting skills and vindicating their decision to allow little Oliver a sip of Coke at his slightly common friend's birthday party, when he's normally only allowed soya milk".

When pressed on his personal experience of the mums, Skelam conceded that he had never actually spoken to one, "but there are just too bloody many of them".

Carluccio's were too busy to comment, as all their staff were engaged in either serving cappu-mappa-frappucino's, or designing more innovate ways to make someone pay £8.78 for a bit of bread with two sun-dried tomatoes and some parsley.

United to Conduct Future Post-Match Interviews in Mime

From our sports columnist, Evil K-Nex

Following the controversial post-match media blackout by Manchester United after their 3-1 defeat at Anfield, the club has been ordered to conduct all post-match interviews in mime from now until the end of the season.

Sources indicate that Premier League bigwigs have become increasingly tired of Sir Alex Ferguson's childish antics and see this decision as “putting him on the naughty step”. The Premier League have previously had to contend with criticism for not sanctioning Ferguson for his continued refusal to speak to the BBC.

“While we accept that Manchester United may not wish to make official comments so soon after a game, the fact is that they are part of the Premier League and thus benefit directly from the lucrative contracts signed between the Premier League and various broadcasting groups. As a compromise, the club, manager and players do not need to say anything to the media but must conduct any future interview in mime, make up and all, until the end of the season. Let's see what their position is next year”.

The Premier League also included a caveat that should the club fail to abide by this sanction, their share of broadcasting funds and any prize money would be donated to a charity for retired clowns.

The owner of the debt-ridden club, Malcolm Glazer, has since confirmed that the club will abide fully with the League's decision and has instructed a troupe of artists to coach Ferguson and his team in the subtle arts of mime.