Templeton Prize Ulterior Motive Revealed

From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones 


Sources close to The Templeton Prize committee have revealed the selection of Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees was really an experiment designed to make angry atheist Richard Dawkins literally explode with rage.


"Specious ramblings of quasi scientific bunkum dressed as elloquent concision!" Screamed Dawkins.
 
Impartial commentators on both sides of the religious debate have praised the choice of Rees for the $1m award. Following recent archeological discoveries in the Middle East which indicate Jesus was openly gay, impartial Christians were crying out for some fresh idolatry to come onto the scene. In Rees they landed a someone who just doesn't make too much noise about the obvious shortcomings of their dogma and can be marketed to the congregation as a 'scientific church goer'. Meanwhile impartial Atheists were beaming about the contempt Rees shows for the quaint Anglican doctrine by simultaneously taking advantage of their hospitality and refusing to acknowledge the existence of God.


"Crusaderous purveyor of creationist denial!" Hissed Dawkins.
 
Rees himself is relaxed about receiving $1m. With piercing glare he denounced the whole point of the Templeton Prize, "I don't think there's any possibility of constructive interaction between science and religion in explaining the material world," as he booked himself a pair of first class air tickets to Las Vegas. "Obviously religion is separate from science. And which god are you referring to anyway, precisely which element of the lacuna shall we call god? Anyway, excuse me, I'm going to use the toilet in the church and then listen to one of their free gigs after I've asked my concierge to get me a table at Funky Buddha."


"God? GOD? Did you say GOD?", Howled Dawkins.

Polly Toynbee Generator - This Week's Story

By the Polly Toynbee Generator

The coalition demands 25 million from the funds of the elderly.

If you cut from the Working Men's Club then filthy fat cats will start a drought which will also affect the Bethnal Green Library and the Meals on Wheels

The reason why Labour is good and the budget defecit is irrelevant this week is the gap between culture and wealth

Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.  

Keep All Food on One Plate, Restaurants Told

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Ministers have been accused of turning the nation into a giant Toby Carvery, after restaurants were ordered to restore the old system of one meal on one plate instead of selling these as expensive extras on the side.

Commenting on the change in legislation, Food Minister Jim Paice remarked that only last week he had gone to a pub and ordered a steak, to find that vegetables and chips were not included in the price of the meal and would have to be purchased at an extra £3.50 each, adding ‘The nation have effectively been strung up like kippers, paying out an extra 30% on meals for the privilege of  some chips or salad with their meals.’

Food industry pundits were quick to criticise the move, pointing out that it is painfully gauche having all food groups together under one price and predicted a knock-on effect on the sales of specialist ingredients such as Pak Choi and Rustic Chips.

Pub-goers on the other hand have welcomed the change in law since now they can buy a reasonable meal for around £10 safe in the knowledge that everything is included.

Polly Toynbee - From Our New Super-Dooper Generator - 3 April 2011

Right wing cronies will cut 50 billion from the budget of Prince Harry.

If you axe Chris Hoy then the coalition will cut your ability to interpret simple road signs, which will also affect the Lincoln festivals and the rights of farmers.

The reason why Labour is good and the budget deficit is irrelevant this week is the librarian at the Whitechapel Idea Store told me his tax-driver friend took a £20 fare the other day.

The Polly Toynbee Generator

Our boffins here at The Week have been working hard over recent months, and have now successfully distilled Polly Toynbee's journalism into a programme which can produce articles reflecting, with uncanny similarity, her views in any given week.

This week's article follows.

Only 2 days to Save Money You Haven’t Got

By Tom de Plume

As the deadline of the end of the current tax year looms, financial advisers everywhere have been advising anyone who will listen that they only have two days to take advantage of this year’s myriad opportunities to put their money into various savings accounts and investments, tax-free. 

Jes Skelam, of Moon, Bust and Wilder, explained, “This really is a great opportunity. Of course, my rich clients are the ones who will be most interested, but for the 97.2% of the population who have been suffering in the present climate, opportunities are still there. Just today I advised a client not to spend 56 pence on a mars bar, but rather put it in a stocks and shares ISA where, in five years time, accounting for the current low interest rate and high rate of inflation, it will be worth approximately 37 and a half pence. Now, before you say it, I realise that is less than the original investment, but the beauty of this investment is that it is... wait for it... TAX FREE! That means that the government, at a time of unprecedented cuts to public services, won’t get its hands on a single penny of the money you’re not making on the money you don’t have. Having spoken to a number of my clients, I understand that is what is really important to them”. 

Meanwhile another large financial adviser, Grabbit and Runne, went into liquidation, replacing its website with a link to William Hill and a note to the effect that clients would, frankly, be better off in their hands anyway.