From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran
A new charity was set up today to protect the rights of face-to-face street fundraisers or "chuggers" as they are known, who face harassment from state authorities.
The National Society for the Protection of Street Fundraisers, or NSPSF, will attempt to raise funds from the public to lobby central Government for greater protection from "over-zealous" councils. The move follows a decision by Manchester City Council to set up a designated zone in the city centre where street fundraisers will be permitted to accost members of the public who mistakenly enter, on set days of the week. Manchester City Council claims that the decision was made after numerous complaints were lodged by local office workers and one street fundraiser was found beaten outside Barclays Bank on Maybury Street. The street fundraiser, who has not been named by police, is recovering in Manchester City Hospital, despite some staff refusing to treat him and all attempts to remove the clipboard from his Chatham pocket being so far, unsuccessful.
NSPSF spokeswoman, Ruth Albridge, today said, "What is being done to this vulnerable group of people is a disgrace, an absolute disgrace. I do not want to offend anyone but this scenario bares all the hallmarks of what we did to the Aborigines in Australia. We are telling them where they can and can't go and moving them away from their natural environment. It is effectively ethnic cleansing."
When asked how the NSPSF felt the public would react to the campaign, Ms Albridge stated, "We believe the public will be up in arms about what is being done. We cannot simply stand by and let this type of crime happen. Even those members of the public already struggling in this recession want to set up direct debits to charities, if only they were suitably educated on how to do so. We have already received lots of support from Manchester locals who say things like "It's about bl**dy time" and "Those harassing ba****ds need to be taught a lesson", so we're fairly confident that the public is on our side."
Charities that employ swathes of street fundraisers have come in for some criticism in recent times for offering large incentives to those that meet regular targets for signed-up direct debits. The charities argue that at least half of the total amount raised directly from this type of fundraising goes to those good causes. The CEO of one such charity, who did not wish to be named, stated, "The power of guilt is an incredibly strong thing. Ideally, we'd like the public to know all about our cause and give up their time or expertise but we'll settle for six pounds a month. If we didn't offer these incentives, the chuggers would just stand about doing nothing. Where's the money going then?"
Zara Penry-Goldsmith, a student at Manchester University and occasional chugger, told this blog "It's not like we're hurting anyone, like...in fact, we're like helping to save lives... I'm like saving lives yah... I'm like a doctor... saving lives. Now, like, the stupid Council says I have to move from outside Topshop, which is totally unfair. I practically live there."
Sunday 27 February 2011
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Barclays Bank in Legal Tax Outrage!
From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones
Activist group UK Uncalculated has staged a 'sit-in' protest at 35 branches of Barclays following the disclosure that the UK-based bank paid a mere £113m of Corporation Tax on its 2009 earnings of £11.6bn. Several branches were forced to close as regular customers became confused about who was queuing for the self-service deposit machines, and who was there to protest. Branch staff were unavailable for comment, but made repeated attempts to get protestors to sign-up for the new 'Online Protesting' service by accepting 2 new 6 digit pin numbers.
Activist group UK Uncalculated has staged a 'sit-in' protest at 35 branches of Barclays following the disclosure that the UK-based bank paid a mere £113m of Corporation Tax on its 2009 earnings of £11.6bn. Several branches were forced to close as regular customers became confused about who was queuing for the self-service deposit machines, and who was there to protest. Branch staff were unavailable for comment, but made repeated attempts to get protestors to sign-up for the new 'Online Protesting' service by accepting 2 new 6 digit pin numbers.
Barclays stands accused of occupying a 'parallel universe', as it revealed an effective corporate tax rate of just 1%. Meanwhile Jes Skelam, a supporter of UK Uncalculated, said, "Today we are transforming banks into forests, parks and zero-carbon organic community spirit centres, because we think tax should come from the heart."
MP Chuka Umunna, a member of the party responsible for the tax system in 2009 and of the Treasury Select Committee, placed the blame squarely with someone else, "Anyone with a tax handbook and a calculator can see what Barclays has done! They've interpreted the law for the benefit of their stakeholders and it's an outrage. This country needs a Robin Hood sort of figure and I'm nominating myself. There are historical precedents for seizing legally amassed wealth and distributing it to the masses. And everyone will wear the same clothes and everyone will be guaranteed a job in the great collective benefit!"
Barclays' CEO, an American, Bob Diamond was said to be unconcerned by the flatulent posturing. Diamond remarked, "Barclays is a global organisation of highly trained professionals managed efficiently with the aid of web-based systems which ensure performance and accountability at all levels. We comply with the letter and spirit of the law in all territories where we do business and ensure we are headquartered in location with an entrenched culture of high pay and ineffective regulation. Oh, and did I mention that my background is in finance, not PR, and I'm older and wiser than Cameron and Osbourne. Who the hell is Chuka?"
Sunday 20 February 2011
Let's All Just Live in X-Factor World
By Tom de Plume
This week saw the revamping of Masterchef. What was once a serious cooking competition has now, because this is what the public really want, been reduced to some kind of personality-based sob-fest, where the best predictor of who is likely to progress is their ability to entirely debase themselves by begging, on their knees, whilst fellating John Torrode, together with the quirky movements of Greg Wallace's eyebrows.
Plans were unveiled to turn mundane parts of everyday life into an X-Factor style competition. A pilot scheme is being launched in Oldham, whereby people getting on the number 14 bus will be asked, before buying a ticket, to explain why they need to make the journey. Simplistic answers such as "I need to go to the shops", will not be accepted without some kind of embellishment and back-story. If the answer is not good enough, the person will be knocked back out the bus doors by a comedy retractable boxing glove. And then run over. On TV.
Jes Skelam, the brains behind the project at the thinktank, Pro Bono Simono Cowelus, explained, "The thing is, what the bus driver, and the public travelling on that bus want to know is, not simply why the person is making that journey, but precisely how the recent passing of their dog's sister's previous owner, and the obvious emotional turmoil that would have ensued, has inspired that person to change their lot in life by making a bus trip to Tesco, and this time they're not going to just buy a standard brown loaf, but that one with the seeds in that that all those posh people in Waitrose buy every week. I think this perfectly illustrates that, by bringing these people's mundane, pointless lives to the fore, we can reduce the whole population to a base level where everyone is equally depressed and uninteresting, because rather than doing anything worthwhile with their lives, they are listening to all the uninteresting things other people have done with theirs. It's a kind of Pol Pot approach for the 21st century, but without all the nasty chains and stuff, and less killing. That's the dream, anyway".
Meanwhile, a poll suggested that, when combined with the dumbing down of Radio 4, because targeting the middle class doesn't play well with those same middle-class voters' complete self-disassociation and patronising claims to really be interested in ska music, and William Hill TV, conscientious objection to paying licence fees is on a par as an acceptable form of crusade, along with saving thousands of acres of woodland that you never visit, or saving libraries you have been to only to force children to read the same tedious 'literature' you now claim to have helped form you into the presumably admirable Radio-4-listening individual you are today.
TV Critic Emma Lincoln commented, "The thing that disappointed me most about this new Masterchef, was that it was, erm, what's the best way to articulate it... complete bollocks. That's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Actually, I might sue".
This week saw the revamping of Masterchef. What was once a serious cooking competition has now, because this is what the public really want, been reduced to some kind of personality-based sob-fest, where the best predictor of who is likely to progress is their ability to entirely debase themselves by begging, on their knees, whilst fellating John Torrode, together with the quirky movements of Greg Wallace's eyebrows.
Plans were unveiled to turn mundane parts of everyday life into an X-Factor style competition. A pilot scheme is being launched in Oldham, whereby people getting on the number 14 bus will be asked, before buying a ticket, to explain why they need to make the journey. Simplistic answers such as "I need to go to the shops", will not be accepted without some kind of embellishment and back-story. If the answer is not good enough, the person will be knocked back out the bus doors by a comedy retractable boxing glove. And then run over. On TV.
Jes Skelam, the brains behind the project at the thinktank, Pro Bono Simono Cowelus, explained, "The thing is, what the bus driver, and the public travelling on that bus want to know is, not simply why the person is making that journey, but precisely how the recent passing of their dog's sister's previous owner, and the obvious emotional turmoil that would have ensued, has inspired that person to change their lot in life by making a bus trip to Tesco, and this time they're not going to just buy a standard brown loaf, but that one with the seeds in that that all those posh people in Waitrose buy every week. I think this perfectly illustrates that, by bringing these people's mundane, pointless lives to the fore, we can reduce the whole population to a base level where everyone is equally depressed and uninteresting, because rather than doing anything worthwhile with their lives, they are listening to all the uninteresting things other people have done with theirs. It's a kind of Pol Pot approach for the 21st century, but without all the nasty chains and stuff, and less killing. That's the dream, anyway".
Meanwhile, a poll suggested that, when combined with the dumbing down of Radio 4, because targeting the middle class doesn't play well with those same middle-class voters' complete self-disassociation and patronising claims to really be interested in ska music, and William Hill TV, conscientious objection to paying licence fees is on a par as an acceptable form of crusade, along with saving thousands of acres of woodland that you never visit, or saving libraries you have been to only to force children to read the same tedious 'literature' you now claim to have helped form you into the presumably admirable Radio-4-listening individual you are today.
TV Critic Emma Lincoln commented, "The thing that disappointed me most about this new Masterchef, was that it was, erm, what's the best way to articulate it... complete bollocks. That's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Actually, I might sue".
BBC receives nearly 3,500 complaints from viewers over 'unrealistic' EastEnders alien storyline
From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.
EastEnders has been hit with thousands of complaints in a backlash over its unrealistic alien invasion storyline.
Yesterday the BBC revealed it had been contacted by almost 3,500 viewers angry and incredulous about the scenes, which showed a spaceship lowering into Albert Square and blowing up the newly refurbished Queen Victoria pub. While programme chiefs re-edited the sci-fi scenes after a preview screening of the episodes, the show has still been hit with a furious response from the audience. Scores of viewers complained that the storyline, which was introduced last week, was 'ridiculous', 'unrealistic' and 'unbelievable', while others felt programme-makers were hitting a new sensationalist low to drum up ratings.
In the soap, character Phil Mitchell, played by Steve McFadden, smokes a crack-pipe and stumbles into the Square to see the alien craft landing. He is then seen standing at the lower steps of the craft and shaking hands with an extra terrestrial being played by newcomer Sam Attwater. Others believe the extra terrestrial scenes were too unrealistic for a family audience and ill-timed during Valentines Day when many couples were gathered around the TV together. The show's editor removed shots of an alien from last week's controversial scenes and also toned down the lights and CGI from the spacecraft landing near the Bridge Street Market. One viewer said on the BBC's message-board: ' Eastenders has completely lost the plot - either that or its orbiting somewhere in space.'
A BBC spokesman said: 'We appreciate this is a rather far fetched storyline and have taken care to ensure viewers were aware of the content in advance of transmission'.
Meerkat Self-Enhancement Shock
From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran Keepers at london zoo have today expressed their shock when one of their meerkats, Kimberly, returned from a recent trip to the 'vet' with an enlarged rear end. One keeper, who did not wish to be named, said that Kimberly had always been a victim of low self-esteem and tried to court the attention of visitors by exposing her rear end and shaking "like an epileptic at a Fatboy Slim gig". Whilst the "vet" who supposedly treated Kimberly is still being sought by zoo officials, a leading feminist group have blamed the likes of Beyonce, Jenifer Lopez and Ferne Britton for this new craze in meerkat buttock enhancement. Louise Paintersin of the Real Girl Power commented, "Women like Beyonce, J.Lo and Ferne deliberately flaunt their bodies to compensate for their lack of intelligence and talent... oh wait, not Ferne. She's just fat." Visitors have however flocked to London Zoo to witness this new attraction. Jes Skelam, a parliamentary researcher from Surrey, added, "That Kimberly is so hot. I wasn't sure where to put the crumpled up fiver tho." |
Friday 11 February 2011
Daily Mail readership list leaked online
From our house price and immigration correspondent, Fiona Pettifort
The Daily Mail tonight vowed to take legal action after its entire readership list was published online in breach of a court injunction.
The paper blamed disgruntled former employees for posting details of the names, postal and email addresses and ages of more than 60,000 readers who have the paper delivered every day.
Details of the hobbies, professions and other areas of expertise of many readers are thought to be included.
The readership list dates from late last year, the DAILY MAIL said, and its publication had been prevented under a high court injunction obtained in April.
Embarrassed paper bosses have complained to the police and are seeking legal advice to prevent the further spread of the data.
Paul Dacre, the DAILY MAIL's editor, said he found out this morning that the injunction had been broken, describing the posting as "malevolent and spiteful".
"This is being done to destabilise the paper after a successful distribution launch on the Costa del Sol and before the launch of our Sunday ‘You’ magazine."
He said the readership list, which was password protected and encrypted, had been stolen from the paper. "This isn't a question of us mislaying the information, this is theft," he said.
Dacre claimed the list contained the names of people who had never been readers of the paper as well as the names of current and former readers. Although the paper is taking action to take down the list, Dacre conceded: "Once it's out, it's out."
"We are worried because kids who deliver the paper are on the list. It is not information that should be in the public domain," he added. "We are always receiving death threats."
He said the paper discovered the information had been leaked when its readership started receiving unsolicited junk mail. "We found that readers were being sent brochures for Saga Holidays and Stannah Stairlifts. We went to the Manchester high court and obtained an injunction. It cost tens of thousands of pounds," he said.
Dacre said the paper had complained to Tonbridge police – the DAILY MAIL carries out much of its administration in Royal Tunbridge Wells – but the force was unable to confirm that a disgruntled complaint had been made.
The publication sparked alarm among the DAILY MAIL's readership.
"I'm also on the list, what the hell is going on? I could lose my credibility," posted one member on a north-west England DAILY MAIL forum.
Another wrote: "God help anyone who is in the army, the prison service, health care, police officer or a teacher. More people will come and steal our jobs"
Since 2004, police officers have faced dismissal if found to be readers of the DAILY MAIL.
The Daily Mail tonight vowed to take legal action after its entire readership list was published online in breach of a court injunction.
The paper blamed disgruntled former employees for posting details of the names, postal and email addresses and ages of more than 60,000 readers who have the paper delivered every day.
Details of the hobbies, professions and other areas of expertise of many readers are thought to be included.
The readership list dates from late last year, the DAILY MAIL said, and its publication had been prevented under a high court injunction obtained in April.
Embarrassed paper bosses have complained to the police and are seeking legal advice to prevent the further spread of the data.
Paul Dacre, the DAILY MAIL's editor, said he found out this morning that the injunction had been broken, describing the posting as "malevolent and spiteful".
"This is being done to destabilise the paper after a successful distribution launch on the Costa del Sol and before the launch of our Sunday ‘You’ magazine."
He said the readership list, which was password protected and encrypted, had been stolen from the paper. "This isn't a question of us mislaying the information, this is theft," he said.
Dacre claimed the list contained the names of people who had never been readers of the paper as well as the names of current and former readers. Although the paper is taking action to take down the list, Dacre conceded: "Once it's out, it's out."
"We are worried because kids who deliver the paper are on the list. It is not information that should be in the public domain," he added. "We are always receiving death threats."
He said the paper discovered the information had been leaked when its readership started receiving unsolicited junk mail. "We found that readers were being sent brochures for Saga Holidays and Stannah Stairlifts. We went to the Manchester high court and obtained an injunction. It cost tens of thousands of pounds," he said.
Dacre said the paper had complained to Tonbridge police – the DAILY MAIL carries out much of its administration in Royal Tunbridge Wells – but the force was unable to confirm that a disgruntled complaint had been made.
The publication sparked alarm among the DAILY MAIL's readership.
"I'm also on the list, what the hell is going on? I could lose my credibility," posted one member on a north-west England DAILY MAIL forum.
Another wrote: "God help anyone who is in the army, the prison service, health care, police officer or a teacher. More people will come and steal our jobs"
Since 2004, police officers have faced dismissal if found to be readers of the DAILY MAIL.
Thursday 10 February 2011
MERYL STREEP TO STRETCH ACTING TALENTS
Meryl Streep is to take a leap into the unknown, diversifying her acting prowess and playing an iconic British figure.
Having previously focussed her energies on playing a ruthless, self-centred, supremely powerful woman in the Devil Wears Prada, two-time Academy Award winner Streep is to move to a completely different acting milieu, and plumb uncharted depths, by playing.... Margaret Thatcher.
Filmologist Jes Skelam commented, “Meryl Streep? Ah yes, the one who made everyone vom, or campaign for the mandatory installation of trapdoors in all cinemas, by cavorting about with Clint Eastwood in that film ‘The Neverending Bridges of Madison County’. Of course, the fact of her being American needn’t be a hinderance. Fans of the recent television adaptation of ‘Any Human Heart (As Long As That Human is a Totally Self-Centred Supremely Callous Sycophant)’, will have noted that the reality of recent history was not enough to stand in the way of Gillian Anderson, an American, playing Wallis Simpson, an American, with a cut-glass English accent, with something approaching moderate success”.
Experts believe this could start a trend, and no part, however quintessentially British, is safe from Hollywood’s grip. Cockney chimney sweeps are prepared to be played by Americans with some kind of weird jig as a cover-up for their lack of any real acting talent. It has even been suggested that Scottish history could be rewritten by narcissitic, Australian/American fascists. Suggestions that American action heroes could be played by small-town Austrian country body-builders who go on to govern the richest state in the U.S., with a GDP the size of Spain’s, and rob it of any financial stability were however dismissed as fantastical.
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