Councils to Evict Pest Mothers

By Tom de Plume

News emerged this week that various London borough councils are planning to use their powers to evict scores of middle class mums from the aisles of Waitrose, the pavements outside outlets of Carluccio's and boutique shops selling the sort of pointless shit that no-one, ever has needed for any reason whatsoever. Although the mums have been in near-constant occupation of these sites for some years now, with little objection or interference in the lives of ordinary people, their insistence on bringing 200-kilo, alumininum and titanium-reinforced double buggies which cost enough to feed the poor family living in council housing down the road for several years onto these premises, in clear contravention of local planning laws, has caused the councils to finally push back.

Jes Skelam, a regular in the Nag's Head, who works a 35-hour week, buys food to stop himself being hungry, and has never heard of a snood, expressed strong support for the proposals. "The thing is, right, I have nothing directly against these so-called 'browsing mums', but the fact is they're not really 'browsing' or 'passing through', are they? They are there to make sure they pick up the first batch of tuiled, almond-encrusted croissant-cakes, and expose their children to enough people to ensure at least twenty adulations from random strangers every day, thereby affirming their parenting skills and vindicating their decision to allow little Oliver a sip of Coke at his slightly common friend's birthday party, when he's normally only allowed soya milk".

When pressed on his personal experience of the mums, Skelam conceded that he had never actually spoken to one, "but there are just too bloody many of them".

Carluccio's were too busy to comment, as all their staff were engaged in either serving cappu-mappa-frappucino's, or designing more innovate ways to make someone pay £8.78 for a bit of bread with two sun-dried tomatoes and some parsley.

United to Conduct Future Post-Match Interviews in Mime

From our sports columnist, Evil K-Nex

Following the controversial post-match media blackout by Manchester United after their 3-1 defeat at Anfield, the club has been ordered to conduct all post-match interviews in mime from now until the end of the season.

Sources indicate that Premier League bigwigs have become increasingly tired of Sir Alex Ferguson's childish antics and see this decision as “putting him on the naughty step”. The Premier League have previously had to contend with criticism for not sanctioning Ferguson for his continued refusal to speak to the BBC.

“While we accept that Manchester United may not wish to make official comments so soon after a game, the fact is that they are part of the Premier League and thus benefit directly from the lucrative contracts signed between the Premier League and various broadcasting groups. As a compromise, the club, manager and players do not need to say anything to the media but must conduct any future interview in mime, make up and all, until the end of the season. Let's see what their position is next year”.

The Premier League also included a caveat that should the club fail to abide by this sanction, their share of broadcasting funds and any prize money would be donated to a charity for retired clowns.

The owner of the debt-ridden club, Malcolm Glazer, has since confirmed that the club will abide fully with the League's decision and has instructed a troupe of artists to coach Ferguson and his team in the subtle arts of mime.

British Bankers Offer Stinging Reposte to Archbishop

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

The head of the British Bankers Association today issued a strong rebuke to a speech given on Wednesday by the Archbishop of Westminster, The Most Rev Vincent Nichols, to the London School of Economics, in which he condemned the financial sector for failing to 'wake up' to its moral responsibilities to 'serve society'.

“I applaud the leadership some have given but also lament that the financial sector seems collectively still to have failed to wake up to the moral responsibility they have, as we all do, to serve society,” said the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales.

The Archbishop continued that, “Until a different culture has taken hold, I cannot see how a real and necessary change can take place. What we saw in the financial crisis was bad business practice compounded by a culture celebrating profit as an end in itself.”

Speaking on behalf of British bankers, Jes Skelam offered this statement: “You've got to be f***ing kidding me, right? Let me get this straight, the Catholic Church wants to lecture us on morality? That's the same Catholic Church which insists on abusing young children and then paying them all off in a desperate attempt to cover it up? Oh, and let's not forget their continued refusal to advocate the use of condoms in Africa to prevent the spread of HIV and Aids, unless it involves a hermaphrodite prostitute, a baboon, and takes place on the third Sunday of the month. Still, what do you expect when their top guy is a former Nazi? I'm surprised goosestepping isn't mandatory during mass. What I'd say to the Archbishop is that I would of course love to discuss this with him at length, just as soon as he's able to make a space in his diary when he's not interfering with little Billy".

Bruce Forsyth Robot Has Been Presenting Strictly

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Last night it emerged that much-loved TV personality and all-round entertainer
Bruce Forsyth actually died 20 years ago, and a hi-tech robot has been
presenting entertainment shows such as The Generation game and
Strictly Come Dancing ever since.

Suspicions were aroused when wiki readers noticed Forsyth had been 84
for the last 18 years. Even his younger wives have died and moved on
in the meantime. It has since been revealed that his lifetime
achievement award in 2011 was also collected by the cyborg.

Commenting on the decision to use an automaton, a BBC spokeman said
"We couldn't afford to lose the ratings and with millions hanging on
this old man – we needed to think fast. A decision was made and since
no one has said anything we’ve left it at that".

Jeremy Hunt Submits Most Expensive CV in History

From our looming Armageddon correspondent, Jose Sánchez Vicario

Reports were confirmed on Tuesday that Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has formally submitted his CV to BSkyB for the position of non-executive board member, or any other role that involves minimal work whilst raking in obscene volumes of cash. It is believed Mr Hunt is interested in taking up the position when his current contract ends, most likely immediately after the next General Election.

The submission of Mr Hunt’s CV is grabbing headlines around the world for the eye-wateringly high cost of the application. BSkyB alone will be spending around £8bn to accept the application, whilst the British public will be paying with the last remaining vestiges of media plurality and of course Mr Hunt will be giving up his soul.

As he arrived at BskyB headquarters in Wapping, East London, wearing a full gimp suit and the CV protruding from his well lubricated orifice, Mr Hunt commented, “It has always been my dream to work for an evil empire and they don’t come much more evil than BSkyB, so fingers crossed today could be the start of a dream come true. I’ve suggested board member but to be honest I’ll literally do anything, tea boy, bog-troll, human foot stool. All I ask is that when the electorate inevitably realise how awful I am and throw me out, BSkyB starts delivering wheelbarrows full of cash to my house.”

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment, but his office issued the following statement: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I win again.”

In response to the not-at-all-surprise move by the Culture Secretary, the BBC has decided to fully roll out the policy which they have been trialling in recent weeks. All BBC journalists will now refer to him as Jeremy the total C**t.

Kebab Shop Owners to Offer Prescriptions for Ten Marlborough Lights and a Deep-Fried Mars Bar

By Tom de Plume

News emerged this week of a radical restructuring of the way GPs will do business. In an inspired shift from the old, bureaucratic way of doing things, power will be devolved to those who actually create the problems they are solving, thus maintaining ‘continuity of treatment’. 

“Our plans are simple”, explained Jes Skelam, of the Ministry of Health-Related Efforts to Reduce Consumption of Non Tax-Yielding Substances. “Wouldn’t it be better if, when you reach the stage where you need a gastric band fitted (and you will), the person arranging for that to be done is the same person who sold you all the hamburgers in the first place? Who is best placed to assess the amount of unhealthy food you have shoved down your slovenly gob in the last twenty years? Is it some quack who doesn’t know you from Adam, and has got nothing to go on but the obvious girth of the sack of lard whose just sat down and reduced the lifespan of his waiting room chair by another three years, and your frankly utterly worthless ‘word’, or the guy who sold you all those extra-mega-buckets and lard-encrusted, deep-fried whales’ scrotums? Who’s going to make the more realistic assessment of your health?”

Skelam elaborated on how the scheme would work. “What will happen is that your local takeaway owner, pub landlord, or sunbed operator, will be given the power to say ‘OK, Fat Steve, as much as it pains me after the last twenty-two years of keeping my daughter’s piano lessons going purely off the back of your pie consumption, I’m going to have to refer you..... to me. Come and see me tomorrow, when I will be wearing my doctor’s hat (OK I know doctors don’t generally wear hats. Stethoscope. I will be wearing my doctor’s stethoscope.)” 

Support has poured forth for this entrepreneurial approach. In as little as six months’ time, we could see cigarette companies commissioning cancer operations, car manufacturers prescribing inhalers, even companies such as Swan, the manufacturer of non-safety ‘Vesta’ matches, running local burns units. A proposed amendment to the draft legislation is, however, likely to prevent Eastenders actors from offering counselling, on the basis that they would surely end up just making the person’s life even more miserable. 

Some controversy has arisen around suggestions that people will be able to profit from problems they have created themselves, or benefit financially by referring patients on to treatment services they run themselves. Skelam explained, “Well, you see, anyone who thinks that clearly hasn’t looked into the details of the scheme, or heard of our new, super-duper, clearly not-at-all bureaucratic regulator, Mon... Oh, fuck it, I can’t do this. You’re right. Of course you’re right. We haven’t really thought this through. But trust me, you’ve really got better things to worry about.  I’ve got one word for you; Murdoch”.

Silvio: "Bunga Bunga" Was New Gameshow for Showcasing Talent.

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Leaked documents obtained from Silvio Berlusconi's lawyers show that the Italian PM will defend charges brought against him for sex with an underage girl by claiming that so-called "Bunga Bunga" parties held at his villa close to Milan were in fact auditions for a new gameshow.

The Bunga Bunga Factor is said to be the brainchild of Mr Berlusconi himself, the idea being that talented members of the public would audition for the chance to either host further gameshows on TV channels owned by Mr Berlusconi, or to represent Italy in the European Parliament. Mr Berlusconi's Lawyers describe the gameshow as a "cross between the X-Factor and the Apprentice, with Silvio as the Simon Cowell/Sir Alan Sugar role. The contestants were given 15 minutes to impress Silvio and another judge before either being accepted to the next round or rejected".

A tape of one alledged episode of the Bunga Bunga Factor has also been leaked on Youtube. The video consists of grainy footage of the contestants' 'performances', interlinked with studio shots of Mr Berlusconi and another man sat behind a desk giving marks out of ten. Mr Berlusconi appears impressed with the majority of the contestants as he is seen smirking throughout. Accusations that all of the contestants appear to be attractive young women were instantly rejected by Mr Berlusconi's lawyers, who stated that unsuccessful contestants or 'mingerios' were not included in the final cut, but would form the basis of a separate "Farcical Auditions" video. 

In response to this development, state prosecutors have issued a brief statement to the effect that, without properly examining the evidence, they are unable to comment on whether it is a complete crock of shit.

News of Mr Berlusconi's defence appears to have split the Italian public, with roughly half of the population falling around laughing while the other half looks forward to the show's premier.   

Gaddafi Denies Plastic Surgery Claims

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, 

Fiona Pettifort. 

Media speculation has been rife this week that Colonel Gaddafi has
undergone plastic surgery, as he unveiled a dramatic new look.
 
Sporting a military uniform, hat and slightly thinner tip on his nose
and enlarged lips suggestive of botox, Gaddafi assured the press that
his new look is down to ‘tricks of the camera and specialist make-up
shading.’
 
Harley Street plastic surgeon, Dr. Biggle Nosestraaf supported the
notion of rhinoplastic intervention by adding  ‘Muammar Gaddafi’ has
had more changing faces than a Mr Potato. His current facial design is
significantly more youthful than befits a tyrant of his age.
 
Gaddafi’s spokesperson vhemently denied any claims of surgery or
‘trout pout botox’, adding ‘Don’t you think he has better things to
worry about at the moment than his face?’

Ryanair Announces New London to Tripoli Route

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

At a press conference this morning, Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary, announced that the no-frills airline would immediately begin scheduling flights between London and Tripoli for a special limted period.

"We are pleased to announce that, after taking careful advice from our marketing department, Ryanair will now be flying regular routes to Tripoli and back. Although many will not see Tripoli as a traditional holiday destination, there is clearly a demand for flights leaving the Libyan capital at this point in time and we want some of that action!" confirmed Mr O'Leary.

Mr O'Leary predicted that fares to Tripoli would cost from 99p with the return leg to London costing between £500 and £1,000, excluding taxes and surchanges.

One sceptical journalist asked whether the airline was simply looking to exploit Britons left stranded in Libya, following the recent civilian uprising against Col Muammar Gaddafi. Mr O'Leary responded to this accusation, "That is absoultely correct. This is Ryanair we're talking about. Have you not flown with us before?".