News emerged this week that various London borough councils are planning to use their powers to evict scores of middle class mums from the aisles of Waitrose, the pavements outside outlets of Carluccio's and boutique shops selling the sort of pointless shit that no-one, ever has needed for any reason whatsoever. Although the mums have been in near-constant occupation of these sites for some years now, with little objection or interference in the lives of ordinary people, their insistence on bringing 200-kilo, alumininum and titanium-reinforced double buggies which cost enough to feed the poor family living in council housing down the road for several years onto these premises, in clear contravention of local planning laws, has caused the councils to finally push back.
Jes Skelam, a regular in the Nag's Head, who works a 35-hour week, buys food to stop himself being hungry, and has never heard of a snood, expressed strong support for the proposals. "The thing is, right, I have nothing directly against these so-called 'browsing mums', but the fact is they're not really 'browsing' or 'passing through', are they? They are there to make sure they pick up the first batch of tuiled, almond-encrusted croissant-cakes, and expose their children to enough people to ensure at least twenty adulations from random strangers every day, thereby affirming their parenting skills and vindicating their decision to allow little Oliver a sip of Coke at his slightly common friend's birthday party, when he's normally only allowed soya milk".
When pressed on his personal experience of the mums, Skelam conceded that he had never actually spoken to one, "but there are just too bloody many of them".
Carluccio's were too busy to comment, as all their staff were engaged in either serving cappu-mappa-frappucino's, or designing more innovate ways to make someone pay £8.78 for a bit of bread with two sun-dried tomatoes and some parsley.
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