Vince Cable, Chuck Norris, Which is Which?

By Tom de Plume

Reports came flooding in this week of Vince Cable being repeatedly mistaken for legendary hard man and maverick martial arts expert, Chuck Norris. Snaps captured by a short-sighted paparazzi, who had initially mistaken him for Indiana Jones on a really, really bad day, showed he had ditched his trademark fedora and  constantly slightly snivelling beak for a well-kempt, rough ginger beard, cleft chin and look that could break a man as easily as it could a woman's heart. He also vowed to only ever refer to himself in the third person in future.

Coinciding with this transformation, Cable issued instructions to Lib Dem party members (or "future warriors of justice", as he described them) to give Cameron and his dislike of multiculturalism 'the bird' and concentrate on fighting real evil-doers, like Nick 'Big Boss Man' Griffin, and bankers.

"Vince Cable doesn't worry about immigration", Cable was quoted as saying, "Wherever Vince Cable is, that's the only country that matters. They say no man is an island, except Vince Cable. He is actually an island, or he will be soon. He plans to set down in the Mid-Atlantic Somewhere, buoyed in the tide by his own sense of self-worth, power, and determination. Then the immigrants can come to him, which is the only place it'll be worth being anyway. When you reach Vince Cable, you aren't an immigrant any more, you're home".

Lawyers acting for Cable confirmed that the Mental Health Act's territorial scope does not stretch to where Cable is planning to set up his new utopia, unfortunately, as they really would like to get him the help he so obviously needs.

Cowell Enlisted to Help "Sex Up" AV Referendum

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Simon Cowell has been formally enlisted by the Government to promote the upcoming AV referendum. The man behind ITV's X-Factor show, in which the public vote for which contestant should remain on the popular singing contest, is seen as the ideal person to help bring the AV debate to the mass public.

While the arguments over AV continue to rage between supporters of the “Yes” and “No” campaigns, MPs are concerned that recent polls suggest only 11% of the population intend to turn out for the referendum on 5^th May. Furthermore, 65% of those polled by the Flocci non Faccio report said that their vote would be directly influenced by whatever Stephen Fry wrote on his Twitter page.

Mike Rainthorpe, head of the left-wing think tank, 'AV It, yeah?, said “The problem with AV is basically threefold. Firstly, it's difficult to comprehend at the best of times; secondly, no-one can say for sure how it will affect a future election as it's never been tried before and thirdly, given the chance, most people would rather look at a pair of tits on Page 3 than read about the merits of alternative voting.”

“This is where Cowell comes in. He's got a proven track record in getting the public to vote for something that most see as insignificant but others see as life or death” he continued.

Rumours around Whitehall suggest that Cowell is planning a series of televised debates, akin to those seen during the recent general election, where supporters of both campaigns will be paired with either a former glamour model or a member of England's Ashes-winning cricket team in a tag-team style face-off.

Templeton Prize Ulterior Motive Revealed

From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones 


Sources close to The Templeton Prize committee have revealed the selection of Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees was really an experiment designed to make angry atheist Richard Dawkins literally explode with rage.


"Specious ramblings of quasi scientific bunkum dressed as elloquent concision!" Screamed Dawkins.
 
Impartial commentators on both sides of the religious debate have praised the choice of Rees for the $1m award. Following recent archeological discoveries in the Middle East which indicate Jesus was openly gay, impartial Christians were crying out for some fresh idolatry to come onto the scene. In Rees they landed a someone who just doesn't make too much noise about the obvious shortcomings of their dogma and can be marketed to the congregation as a 'scientific church goer'. Meanwhile impartial Atheists were beaming about the contempt Rees shows for the quaint Anglican doctrine by simultaneously taking advantage of their hospitality and refusing to acknowledge the existence of God.


"Crusaderous purveyor of creationist denial!" Hissed Dawkins.
 
Rees himself is relaxed about receiving $1m. With piercing glare he denounced the whole point of the Templeton Prize, "I don't think there's any possibility of constructive interaction between science and religion in explaining the material world," as he booked himself a pair of first class air tickets to Las Vegas. "Obviously religion is separate from science. And which god are you referring to anyway, precisely which element of the lacuna shall we call god? Anyway, excuse me, I'm going to use the toilet in the church and then listen to one of their free gigs after I've asked my concierge to get me a table at Funky Buddha."


"God? GOD? Did you say GOD?", Howled Dawkins.

Polly Toynbee Generator - This Week's Story

By the Polly Toynbee Generator

The coalition demands 25 million from the funds of the elderly.

If you cut from the Working Men's Club then filthy fat cats will start a drought which will also affect the Bethnal Green Library and the Meals on Wheels

The reason why Labour is good and the budget defecit is irrelevant this week is the gap between culture and wealth

Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.  

Keep All Food on One Plate, Restaurants Told

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Ministers have been accused of turning the nation into a giant Toby Carvery, after restaurants were ordered to restore the old system of one meal on one plate instead of selling these as expensive extras on the side.

Commenting on the change in legislation, Food Minister Jim Paice remarked that only last week he had gone to a pub and ordered a steak, to find that vegetables and chips were not included in the price of the meal and would have to be purchased at an extra £3.50 each, adding ‘The nation have effectively been strung up like kippers, paying out an extra 30% on meals for the privilege of  some chips or salad with their meals.’

Food industry pundits were quick to criticise the move, pointing out that it is painfully gauche having all food groups together under one price and predicted a knock-on effect on the sales of specialist ingredients such as Pak Choi and Rustic Chips.

Pub-goers on the other hand have welcomed the change in law since now they can buy a reasonable meal for around £10 safe in the knowledge that everything is included.

Polly Toynbee - From Our New Super-Dooper Generator - 3 April 2011

Right wing cronies will cut 50 billion from the budget of Prince Harry.

If you axe Chris Hoy then the coalition will cut your ability to interpret simple road signs, which will also affect the Lincoln festivals and the rights of farmers.

The reason why Labour is good and the budget deficit is irrelevant this week is the librarian at the Whitechapel Idea Store told me his tax-driver friend took a £20 fare the other day.

The Polly Toynbee Generator

Our boffins here at The Week have been working hard over recent months, and have now successfully distilled Polly Toynbee's journalism into a programme which can produce articles reflecting, with uncanny similarity, her views in any given week.

This week's article follows.

Only 2 days to Save Money You Haven’t Got

By Tom de Plume

As the deadline of the end of the current tax year looms, financial advisers everywhere have been advising anyone who will listen that they only have two days to take advantage of this year’s myriad opportunities to put their money into various savings accounts and investments, tax-free. 

Jes Skelam, of Moon, Bust and Wilder, explained, “This really is a great opportunity. Of course, my rich clients are the ones who will be most interested, but for the 97.2% of the population who have been suffering in the present climate, opportunities are still there. Just today I advised a client not to spend 56 pence on a mars bar, but rather put it in a stocks and shares ISA where, in five years time, accounting for the current low interest rate and high rate of inflation, it will be worth approximately 37 and a half pence. Now, before you say it, I realise that is less than the original investment, but the beauty of this investment is that it is... wait for it... TAX FREE! That means that the government, at a time of unprecedented cuts to public services, won’t get its hands on a single penny of the money you’re not making on the money you don’t have. Having spoken to a number of my clients, I understand that is what is really important to them”. 

Meanwhile another large financial adviser, Grabbit and Runne, went into liquidation, replacing its website with a link to William Hill and a note to the effect that clients would, frankly, be better off in their hands anyway.