Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.