Cowell Enlisted to Help "Sex Up" AV Referendum

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Simon Cowell has been formally enlisted by the Government to promote the upcoming AV referendum. The man behind ITV's X-Factor show, in which the public vote for which contestant should remain on the popular singing contest, is seen as the ideal person to help bring the AV debate to the mass public.

While the arguments over AV continue to rage between supporters of the “Yes” and “No” campaigns, MPs are concerned that recent polls suggest only 11% of the population intend to turn out for the referendum on 5^th May. Furthermore, 65% of those polled by the Flocci non Faccio report said that their vote would be directly influenced by whatever Stephen Fry wrote on his Twitter page.

Mike Rainthorpe, head of the left-wing think tank, 'AV It, yeah?, said “The problem with AV is basically threefold. Firstly, it's difficult to comprehend at the best of times; secondly, no-one can say for sure how it will affect a future election as it's never been tried before and thirdly, given the chance, most people would rather look at a pair of tits on Page 3 than read about the merits of alternative voting.”

“This is where Cowell comes in. He's got a proven track record in getting the public to vote for something that most see as insignificant but others see as life or death” he continued.

Rumours around Whitehall suggest that Cowell is planning a series of televised debates, akin to those seen during the recent general election, where supporters of both campaigns will be paired with either a former glamour model or a member of England's Ashes-winning cricket team in a tag-team style face-off.