Vince Cable, Chuck Norris, Which is Which?

By Tom de Plume

Reports came flooding in this week of Vince Cable being repeatedly mistaken for legendary hard man and maverick martial arts expert, Chuck Norris. Snaps captured by a short-sighted paparazzi, who had initially mistaken him for Indiana Jones on a really, really bad day, showed he had ditched his trademark fedora and  constantly slightly snivelling beak for a well-kempt, rough ginger beard, cleft chin and look that could break a man as easily as it could a woman's heart. He also vowed to only ever refer to himself in the third person in future.

Coinciding with this transformation, Cable issued instructions to Lib Dem party members (or "future warriors of justice", as he described them) to give Cameron and his dislike of multiculturalism 'the bird' and concentrate on fighting real evil-doers, like Nick 'Big Boss Man' Griffin, and bankers.

"Vince Cable doesn't worry about immigration", Cable was quoted as saying, "Wherever Vince Cable is, that's the only country that matters. They say no man is an island, except Vince Cable. He is actually an island, or he will be soon. He plans to set down in the Mid-Atlantic Somewhere, buoyed in the tide by his own sense of self-worth, power, and determination. Then the immigrants can come to him, which is the only place it'll be worth being anyway. When you reach Vince Cable, you aren't an immigrant any more, you're home".

Lawyers acting for Cable confirmed that the Mental Health Act's territorial scope does not stretch to where Cable is planning to set up his new utopia, unfortunately, as they really would like to get him the help he so obviously needs.