US and Pakistan Involved in Secret “Game of Riddles”

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran


US and Pakistani officials were forced to confirm the existence of a secret agreement allowing US forces to take out al Qa'ida leader Osama bin Laden if his hiding place in Pakistan was ever located.

Both nations have described their clandestine pact as a cross between Where's Wally and the Riddle Game.

Pakistani Prime Minister, Yosuf Raza Gilani, declared that after 10 years of playing this “exciting” game the US had finally succeeded in locating bin Laden. “Let no one draw any wrong conclusions. We hid bin Laden in a top secret location and even set him up in a nifty pad with Sky+ so that he wouldn't feel the need to make so many Jihad videos with the name of the street in the background. Every year we would give the Americans another riddle that, once solved, would bring them closer to finding him. I am pleased to say that Mr Obama himself finally cracked the last one! Now it's our turn!”

The White House released a statement acknowledging Mr Gilani's comments and thanked Pakistan for their good sportsmanship in allowing George W Bush to be replaced by Obama in 2008, when the former failed to solve even the first riddle. The statement also made special mention of the role played by Britain in solving the riddles, specifically thanking them for the tea and sandwiches provided at the 5-year interval.

However, some have voiced their disapproval of this type of counter-terrorism tactic. US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton and German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, both of whom were not involved, said in a joint statement, “It's not fair. Girls can play too!”

Son of ex British fascist leader with penchant for nazi-themed sex parties becomes self-appointed defender of privacy and human rights

By Tom de Plume

Er, story ends (ed).

Vince Cable, Chuck Norris, Which is Which?

By Tom de Plume

Reports came flooding in this week of Vince Cable being repeatedly mistaken for legendary hard man and maverick martial arts expert, Chuck Norris. Snaps captured by a short-sighted paparazzi, who had initially mistaken him for Indiana Jones on a really, really bad day, showed he had ditched his trademark fedora and  constantly slightly snivelling beak for a well-kempt, rough ginger beard, cleft chin and look that could break a man as easily as it could a woman's heart. He also vowed to only ever refer to himself in the third person in future.

Coinciding with this transformation, Cable issued instructions to Lib Dem party members (or "future warriors of justice", as he described them) to give Cameron and his dislike of multiculturalism 'the bird' and concentrate on fighting real evil-doers, like Nick 'Big Boss Man' Griffin, and bankers.

"Vince Cable doesn't worry about immigration", Cable was quoted as saying, "Wherever Vince Cable is, that's the only country that matters. They say no man is an island, except Vince Cable. He is actually an island, or he will be soon. He plans to set down in the Mid-Atlantic Somewhere, buoyed in the tide by his own sense of self-worth, power, and determination. Then the immigrants can come to him, which is the only place it'll be worth being anyway. When you reach Vince Cable, you aren't an immigrant any more, you're home".

Lawyers acting for Cable confirmed that the Mental Health Act's territorial scope does not stretch to where Cable is planning to set up his new utopia, unfortunately, as they really would like to get him the help he so obviously needs.

Cowell Enlisted to Help "Sex Up" AV Referendum

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Simon Cowell has been formally enlisted by the Government to promote the upcoming AV referendum. The man behind ITV's X-Factor show, in which the public vote for which contestant should remain on the popular singing contest, is seen as the ideal person to help bring the AV debate to the mass public.

While the arguments over AV continue to rage between supporters of the “Yes” and “No” campaigns, MPs are concerned that recent polls suggest only 11% of the population intend to turn out for the referendum on 5^th May. Furthermore, 65% of those polled by the Flocci non Faccio report said that their vote would be directly influenced by whatever Stephen Fry wrote on his Twitter page.

Mike Rainthorpe, head of the left-wing think tank, 'AV It, yeah?, said “The problem with AV is basically threefold. Firstly, it's difficult to comprehend at the best of times; secondly, no-one can say for sure how it will affect a future election as it's never been tried before and thirdly, given the chance, most people would rather look at a pair of tits on Page 3 than read about the merits of alternative voting.”

“This is where Cowell comes in. He's got a proven track record in getting the public to vote for something that most see as insignificant but others see as life or death” he continued.

Rumours around Whitehall suggest that Cowell is planning a series of televised debates, akin to those seen during the recent general election, where supporters of both campaigns will be paired with either a former glamour model or a member of England's Ashes-winning cricket team in a tag-team style face-off.

Templeton Prize Ulterior Motive Revealed

From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones 


Sources close to The Templeton Prize committee have revealed the selection of Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees was really an experiment designed to make angry atheist Richard Dawkins literally explode with rage.


"Specious ramblings of quasi scientific bunkum dressed as elloquent concision!" Screamed Dawkins.
 
Impartial commentators on both sides of the religious debate have praised the choice of Rees for the $1m award. Following recent archeological discoveries in the Middle East which indicate Jesus was openly gay, impartial Christians were crying out for some fresh idolatry to come onto the scene. In Rees they landed a someone who just doesn't make too much noise about the obvious shortcomings of their dogma and can be marketed to the congregation as a 'scientific church goer'. Meanwhile impartial Atheists were beaming about the contempt Rees shows for the quaint Anglican doctrine by simultaneously taking advantage of their hospitality and refusing to acknowledge the existence of God.


"Crusaderous purveyor of creationist denial!" Hissed Dawkins.
 
Rees himself is relaxed about receiving $1m. With piercing glare he denounced the whole point of the Templeton Prize, "I don't think there's any possibility of constructive interaction between science and religion in explaining the material world," as he booked himself a pair of first class air tickets to Las Vegas. "Obviously religion is separate from science. And which god are you referring to anyway, precisely which element of the lacuna shall we call god? Anyway, excuse me, I'm going to use the toilet in the church and then listen to one of their free gigs after I've asked my concierge to get me a table at Funky Buddha."


"God? GOD? Did you say GOD?", Howled Dawkins.

Polly Toynbee Generator - This Week's Story

By the Polly Toynbee Generator

The coalition demands 25 million from the funds of the elderly.

If you cut from the Working Men's Club then filthy fat cats will start a drought which will also affect the Bethnal Green Library and the Meals on Wheels

The reason why Labour is good and the budget defecit is irrelevant this week is the gap between culture and wealth

Bin Rules no Longer to be set by Nazis

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the announcement from Caroline Spelman, the Environment Secretary, that rules on collection of residential waste will in future no longer be drawn up by consultancy agencies with strong links to Britain’s Neo-Fascists. A new service provider is being sought, candidates including one agency with links to what it is claimed is a more moderate group, UKIP.

Recent changes to rules have required residents to:

1. place rubbish beyond the line of their property in time for collection at 6am, but no earlier than 4.35 am (sleep or social plans will be sacrificed in the line of duty);
2. ensure anything that can be recycled is put in the recycling bin (lack of consistent information about precisely what can be recycled, from anywhere, being no excuse) and arranged in consecutive order of the sum total of the atomic numbers of the elements which make up the material;
3. place bins on the pavement, but not so as to obstruct a single file of goose-stepping militants each holding a rifle across his/her chest; and
4. place all books in the household in the separate ‘new order’ recycling bags for immediate incineration.

Spelman expressed her view that such rules are perhaps a little onerous, bearing in mind we are living in 21^st century Britain, and not 5^th century Germany under the rule of Attila the Hun.

The UKIP-linked agency has yet to spell out how, if it is handed responsibility, its suggested rules would differ from the current regime. Reports have surfaced that it will be largely the same, but the militants will be replaced by morris dancers and books written by English authors and which blame at least one recent natural catastrophe on Brussels-based Eurocrats could be kept indefinitely.  

Keep All Food on One Plate, Restaurants Told

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Ministers have been accused of turning the nation into a giant Toby Carvery, after restaurants were ordered to restore the old system of one meal on one plate instead of selling these as expensive extras on the side.

Commenting on the change in legislation, Food Minister Jim Paice remarked that only last week he had gone to a pub and ordered a steak, to find that vegetables and chips were not included in the price of the meal and would have to be purchased at an extra £3.50 each, adding ‘The nation have effectively been strung up like kippers, paying out an extra 30% on meals for the privilege of  some chips or salad with their meals.’

Food industry pundits were quick to criticise the move, pointing out that it is painfully gauche having all food groups together under one price and predicted a knock-on effect on the sales of specialist ingredients such as Pak Choi and Rustic Chips.

Pub-goers on the other hand have welcomed the change in law since now they can buy a reasonable meal for around £10 safe in the knowledge that everything is included.

Polly Toynbee - From Our New Super-Dooper Generator - 3 April 2011

Right wing cronies will cut 50 billion from the budget of Prince Harry.

If you axe Chris Hoy then the coalition will cut your ability to interpret simple road signs, which will also affect the Lincoln festivals and the rights of farmers.

The reason why Labour is good and the budget deficit is irrelevant this week is the librarian at the Whitechapel Idea Store told me his tax-driver friend took a £20 fare the other day.

The Polly Toynbee Generator

Our boffins here at The Week have been working hard over recent months, and have now successfully distilled Polly Toynbee's journalism into a programme which can produce articles reflecting, with uncanny similarity, her views in any given week.

This week's article follows.

Only 2 days to Save Money You Haven’t Got

By Tom de Plume

As the deadline of the end of the current tax year looms, financial advisers everywhere have been advising anyone who will listen that they only have two days to take advantage of this year’s myriad opportunities to put their money into various savings accounts and investments, tax-free. 

Jes Skelam, of Moon, Bust and Wilder, explained, “This really is a great opportunity. Of course, my rich clients are the ones who will be most interested, but for the 97.2% of the population who have been suffering in the present climate, opportunities are still there. Just today I advised a client not to spend 56 pence on a mars bar, but rather put it in a stocks and shares ISA where, in five years time, accounting for the current low interest rate and high rate of inflation, it will be worth approximately 37 and a half pence. Now, before you say it, I realise that is less than the original investment, but the beauty of this investment is that it is... wait for it... TAX FREE! That means that the government, at a time of unprecedented cuts to public services, won’t get its hands on a single penny of the money you’re not making on the money you don’t have. Having spoken to a number of my clients, I understand that is what is really important to them”. 

Meanwhile another large financial adviser, Grabbit and Runne, went into liquidation, replacing its website with a link to William Hill and a note to the effect that clients would, frankly, be better off in their hands anyway.

Councils to Evict Pest Mothers

By Tom de Plume

News emerged this week that various London borough councils are planning to use their powers to evict scores of middle class mums from the aisles of Waitrose, the pavements outside outlets of Carluccio's and boutique shops selling the sort of pointless shit that no-one, ever has needed for any reason whatsoever. Although the mums have been in near-constant occupation of these sites for some years now, with little objection or interference in the lives of ordinary people, their insistence on bringing 200-kilo, alumininum and titanium-reinforced double buggies which cost enough to feed the poor family living in council housing down the road for several years onto these premises, in clear contravention of local planning laws, has caused the councils to finally push back.

Jes Skelam, a regular in the Nag's Head, who works a 35-hour week, buys food to stop himself being hungry, and has never heard of a snood, expressed strong support for the proposals. "The thing is, right, I have nothing directly against these so-called 'browsing mums', but the fact is they're not really 'browsing' or 'passing through', are they? They are there to make sure they pick up the first batch of tuiled, almond-encrusted croissant-cakes, and expose their children to enough people to ensure at least twenty adulations from random strangers every day, thereby affirming their parenting skills and vindicating their decision to allow little Oliver a sip of Coke at his slightly common friend's birthday party, when he's normally only allowed soya milk".

When pressed on his personal experience of the mums, Skelam conceded that he had never actually spoken to one, "but there are just too bloody many of them".

Carluccio's were too busy to comment, as all their staff were engaged in either serving cappu-mappa-frappucino's, or designing more innovate ways to make someone pay £8.78 for a bit of bread with two sun-dried tomatoes and some parsley.

United to Conduct Future Post-Match Interviews in Mime

From our sports columnist, Evil K-Nex

Following the controversial post-match media blackout by Manchester United after their 3-1 defeat at Anfield, the club has been ordered to conduct all post-match interviews in mime from now until the end of the season.

Sources indicate that Premier League bigwigs have become increasingly tired of Sir Alex Ferguson's childish antics and see this decision as “putting him on the naughty step”. The Premier League have previously had to contend with criticism for not sanctioning Ferguson for his continued refusal to speak to the BBC.

“While we accept that Manchester United may not wish to make official comments so soon after a game, the fact is that they are part of the Premier League and thus benefit directly from the lucrative contracts signed between the Premier League and various broadcasting groups. As a compromise, the club, manager and players do not need to say anything to the media but must conduct any future interview in mime, make up and all, until the end of the season. Let's see what their position is next year”.

The Premier League also included a caveat that should the club fail to abide by this sanction, their share of broadcasting funds and any prize money would be donated to a charity for retired clowns.

The owner of the debt-ridden club, Malcolm Glazer, has since confirmed that the club will abide fully with the League's decision and has instructed a troupe of artists to coach Ferguson and his team in the subtle arts of mime.

British Bankers Offer Stinging Reposte to Archbishop

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

The head of the British Bankers Association today issued a strong rebuke to a speech given on Wednesday by the Archbishop of Westminster, The Most Rev Vincent Nichols, to the London School of Economics, in which he condemned the financial sector for failing to 'wake up' to its moral responsibilities to 'serve society'.

“I applaud the leadership some have given but also lament that the financial sector seems collectively still to have failed to wake up to the moral responsibility they have, as we all do, to serve society,” said the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales.

The Archbishop continued that, “Until a different culture has taken hold, I cannot see how a real and necessary change can take place. What we saw in the financial crisis was bad business practice compounded by a culture celebrating profit as an end in itself.”

Speaking on behalf of British bankers, Jes Skelam offered this statement: “You've got to be f***ing kidding me, right? Let me get this straight, the Catholic Church wants to lecture us on morality? That's the same Catholic Church which insists on abusing young children and then paying them all off in a desperate attempt to cover it up? Oh, and let's not forget their continued refusal to advocate the use of condoms in Africa to prevent the spread of HIV and Aids, unless it involves a hermaphrodite prostitute, a baboon, and takes place on the third Sunday of the month. Still, what do you expect when their top guy is a former Nazi? I'm surprised goosestepping isn't mandatory during mass. What I'd say to the Archbishop is that I would of course love to discuss this with him at length, just as soon as he's able to make a space in his diary when he's not interfering with little Billy".

Bruce Forsyth Robot Has Been Presenting Strictly

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort.

Last night it emerged that much-loved TV personality and all-round entertainer
Bruce Forsyth actually died 20 years ago, and a hi-tech robot has been
presenting entertainment shows such as The Generation game and
Strictly Come Dancing ever since.

Suspicions were aroused when wiki readers noticed Forsyth had been 84
for the last 18 years. Even his younger wives have died and moved on
in the meantime. It has since been revealed that his lifetime
achievement award in 2011 was also collected by the cyborg.

Commenting on the decision to use an automaton, a BBC spokeman said
"We couldn't afford to lose the ratings and with millions hanging on
this old man – we needed to think fast. A decision was made and since
no one has said anything we’ve left it at that".

Jeremy Hunt Submits Most Expensive CV in History

From our looming Armageddon correspondent, Jose Sánchez Vicario

Reports were confirmed on Tuesday that Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has formally submitted his CV to BSkyB for the position of non-executive board member, or any other role that involves minimal work whilst raking in obscene volumes of cash. It is believed Mr Hunt is interested in taking up the position when his current contract ends, most likely immediately after the next General Election.

The submission of Mr Hunt’s CV is grabbing headlines around the world for the eye-wateringly high cost of the application. BSkyB alone will be spending around £8bn to accept the application, whilst the British public will be paying with the last remaining vestiges of media plurality and of course Mr Hunt will be giving up his soul.

As he arrived at BskyB headquarters in Wapping, East London, wearing a full gimp suit and the CV protruding from his well lubricated orifice, Mr Hunt commented, “It has always been my dream to work for an evil empire and they don’t come much more evil than BSkyB, so fingers crossed today could be the start of a dream come true. I’ve suggested board member but to be honest I’ll literally do anything, tea boy, bog-troll, human foot stool. All I ask is that when the electorate inevitably realise how awful I am and throw me out, BSkyB starts delivering wheelbarrows full of cash to my house.”

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment, but his office issued the following statement: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I win again.”

In response to the not-at-all-surprise move by the Culture Secretary, the BBC has decided to fully roll out the policy which they have been trialling in recent weeks. All BBC journalists will now refer to him as Jeremy the total C**t.

Kebab Shop Owners to Offer Prescriptions for Ten Marlborough Lights and a Deep-Fried Mars Bar

By Tom de Plume

News emerged this week of a radical restructuring of the way GPs will do business. In an inspired shift from the old, bureaucratic way of doing things, power will be devolved to those who actually create the problems they are solving, thus maintaining ‘continuity of treatment’. 

“Our plans are simple”, explained Jes Skelam, of the Ministry of Health-Related Efforts to Reduce Consumption of Non Tax-Yielding Substances. “Wouldn’t it be better if, when you reach the stage where you need a gastric band fitted (and you will), the person arranging for that to be done is the same person who sold you all the hamburgers in the first place? Who is best placed to assess the amount of unhealthy food you have shoved down your slovenly gob in the last twenty years? Is it some quack who doesn’t know you from Adam, and has got nothing to go on but the obvious girth of the sack of lard whose just sat down and reduced the lifespan of his waiting room chair by another three years, and your frankly utterly worthless ‘word’, or the guy who sold you all those extra-mega-buckets and lard-encrusted, deep-fried whales’ scrotums? Who’s going to make the more realistic assessment of your health?”

Skelam elaborated on how the scheme would work. “What will happen is that your local takeaway owner, pub landlord, or sunbed operator, will be given the power to say ‘OK, Fat Steve, as much as it pains me after the last twenty-two years of keeping my daughter’s piano lessons going purely off the back of your pie consumption, I’m going to have to refer you..... to me. Come and see me tomorrow, when I will be wearing my doctor’s hat (OK I know doctors don’t generally wear hats. Stethoscope. I will be wearing my doctor’s stethoscope.)” 

Support has poured forth for this entrepreneurial approach. In as little as six months’ time, we could see cigarette companies commissioning cancer operations, car manufacturers prescribing inhalers, even companies such as Swan, the manufacturer of non-safety ‘Vesta’ matches, running local burns units. A proposed amendment to the draft legislation is, however, likely to prevent Eastenders actors from offering counselling, on the basis that they would surely end up just making the person’s life even more miserable. 

Some controversy has arisen around suggestions that people will be able to profit from problems they have created themselves, or benefit financially by referring patients on to treatment services they run themselves. Skelam explained, “Well, you see, anyone who thinks that clearly hasn’t looked into the details of the scheme, or heard of our new, super-duper, clearly not-at-all bureaucratic regulator, Mon... Oh, fuck it, I can’t do this. You’re right. Of course you’re right. We haven’t really thought this through. But trust me, you’ve really got better things to worry about.  I’ve got one word for you; Murdoch”.

Silvio: "Bunga Bunga" Was New Gameshow for Showcasing Talent.

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

Leaked documents obtained from Silvio Berlusconi's lawyers show that the Italian PM will defend charges brought against him for sex with an underage girl by claiming that so-called "Bunga Bunga" parties held at his villa close to Milan were in fact auditions for a new gameshow.

The Bunga Bunga Factor is said to be the brainchild of Mr Berlusconi himself, the idea being that talented members of the public would audition for the chance to either host further gameshows on TV channels owned by Mr Berlusconi, or to represent Italy in the European Parliament. Mr Berlusconi's Lawyers describe the gameshow as a "cross between the X-Factor and the Apprentice, with Silvio as the Simon Cowell/Sir Alan Sugar role. The contestants were given 15 minutes to impress Silvio and another judge before either being accepted to the next round or rejected".

A tape of one alledged episode of the Bunga Bunga Factor has also been leaked on Youtube. The video consists of grainy footage of the contestants' 'performances', interlinked with studio shots of Mr Berlusconi and another man sat behind a desk giving marks out of ten. Mr Berlusconi appears impressed with the majority of the contestants as he is seen smirking throughout. Accusations that all of the contestants appear to be attractive young women were instantly rejected by Mr Berlusconi's lawyers, who stated that unsuccessful contestants or 'mingerios' were not included in the final cut, but would form the basis of a separate "Farcical Auditions" video. 

In response to this development, state prosecutors have issued a brief statement to the effect that, without properly examining the evidence, they are unable to comment on whether it is a complete crock of shit.

News of Mr Berlusconi's defence appears to have split the Italian public, with roughly half of the population falling around laughing while the other half looks forward to the show's premier.   

Gaddafi Denies Plastic Surgery Claims

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, 

Fiona Pettifort. 

Media speculation has been rife this week that Colonel Gaddafi has
undergone plastic surgery, as he unveiled a dramatic new look.
 
Sporting a military uniform, hat and slightly thinner tip on his nose
and enlarged lips suggestive of botox, Gaddafi assured the press that
his new look is down to ‘tricks of the camera and specialist make-up
shading.’
 
Harley Street plastic surgeon, Dr. Biggle Nosestraaf supported the
notion of rhinoplastic intervention by adding  ‘Muammar Gaddafi’ has
had more changing faces than a Mr Potato. His current facial design is
significantly more youthful than befits a tyrant of his age.
 
Gaddafi’s spokesperson vhemently denied any claims of surgery or
‘trout pout botox’, adding ‘Don’t you think he has better things to
worry about at the moment than his face?’

Ryanair Announces New London to Tripoli Route

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

At a press conference this morning, Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary, announced that the no-frills airline would immediately begin scheduling flights between London and Tripoli for a special limted period.

"We are pleased to announce that, after taking careful advice from our marketing department, Ryanair will now be flying regular routes to Tripoli and back. Although many will not see Tripoli as a traditional holiday destination, there is clearly a demand for flights leaving the Libyan capital at this point in time and we want some of that action!" confirmed Mr O'Leary.

Mr O'Leary predicted that fares to Tripoli would cost from 99p with the return leg to London costing between £500 and £1,000, excluding taxes and surchanges.

One sceptical journalist asked whether the airline was simply looking to exploit Britons left stranded in Libya, following the recent civilian uprising against Col Muammar Gaddafi. Mr O'Leary responded to this accusation, "That is absoultely correct. This is Ryanair we're talking about. Have you not flown with us before?".

Street Fundraisers at Risk From State Harassment

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran

A new charity was set up today to protect the rights of face-to-face street fundraisers or "chuggers" as they are known, who face harassment from state authorities.

The National Society for the Protection of Street Fundraisers, or NSPSF, will attempt to raise funds from the public to lobby central Government for greater protection from "over-zealous" councils. The move follows a decision by Manchester City Council to set up a designated zone in the city centre where street fundraisers will be permitted to accost members of the public who mistakenly enter, on set days of the week. Manchester City Council claims that the decision was made after numerous complaints were lodged by local office workers and one street fundraiser was found beaten outside Barclays Bank on Maybury Street. The street fundraiser, who has not been named by police, is recovering in Manchester City Hospital, despite some staff refusing to treat him and all attempts to remove the clipboard from his Chatham pocket being so far, unsuccessful.

NSPSF spokeswoman, Ruth Albridge, today said, "What is being done to this vulnerable group of people is a disgrace, an absolute disgrace. I do not want to offend anyone but this scenario bares all the hallmarks of what we did to the Aborigines in Australia. We are telling them where they can and can't go and moving them away from their natural environment. It is effectively ethnic cleansing."

When asked how the NSPSF felt the public would react to the campaign, Ms Albridge stated, "We believe the public will be up in arms about what is being done. We cannot simply stand by and let this type of crime happen. Even those members of the public already struggling in this recession want to set up direct debits to charities, if only they were suitably educated on how to do so. We have already received lots of support from Manchester locals who say things like "It's about bl**dy time" and "Those harassing ba****ds need to be taught a lesson", so we're fairly confident that the public is on our side."

Charities that employ swathes of street fundraisers have come in for some criticism in recent times for offering large incentives to those that meet regular targets for signed-up direct debits. The charities argue that at least half of the total amount raised directly from this type of fundraising goes to those good causes. The CEO of one such charity, who did not wish to be named, stated, "The power of guilt is an incredibly strong thing. Ideally, we'd like the public to know all about our cause and give up their time or expertise but we'll settle for six pounds a month. If we didn't offer these incentives, the chuggers would just stand about doing nothing. Where's the money going then?"

Zara Penry-Goldsmith, a student at Manchester University and occasional chugger, told this blog "It's not like we're hurting anyone, like...in fact, we're like helping to save lives... I'm like saving lives yah... I'm like a doctor... saving lives. Now, like, the stupid Council says I have to move from outside Topshop, which is totally unfair. I practically live there."

Barclays Bank in Legal Tax Outrage!

From our business and jam tarts correspondent, Tim 'Two Tortoise' Jones

Activist group UK Uncalculated has staged a 'sit-in' protest at 35 branches of Barclays following the disclosure that the UK-based bank paid a mere £113m of Corporation Tax on its 2009 earnings of £11.6bn. Several branches were forced to close as regular customers became confused about who was queuing for the self-service deposit machines, and who was there to protest. Branch staff were unavailable for comment, but made repeated attempts to get protestors to sign-up for the new 'Online Protesting' service by accepting 2 new 6 digit pin numbers. 

Barclays stands accused of occupying a 'parallel universe', as it revealed an effective corporate tax rate of just 1%. Meanwhile Jes Skelam, a supporter of UK Uncalculated, said, "Today we are transforming banks into forests, parks and zero-carbon organic community spirit centres, because we think tax should come from the heart."

MP Chuka Umunna, a member of the party responsible for the tax system in 2009 and of the Treasury Select Committee, placed the blame squarely with someone else, "Anyone with a tax handbook and a calculator can see what Barclays has done! They've interpreted the law for the benefit of their stakeholders and it's an outrage. This country needs a Robin Hood sort of figure and I'm nominating myself. There are historical precedents for seizing legally amassed wealth and distributing it to the masses. And everyone will wear the same clothes and everyone will be guaranteed a job in the great collective benefit!"

Barclays' CEO, an American, Bob Diamond was said to be unconcerned by the flatulent posturing. Diamond remarked, "Barclays is a global organisation of highly trained professionals managed efficiently with the aid of web-based systems which ensure performance and accountability at all levels. We comply with the letter and spirit of the law in all territories where we do business and ensure we are headquartered in location with an entrenched culture of high pay and ineffective regulation. Oh, and did I mention that my background is in finance, not PR, and I'm older and wiser than Cameron and Osbourne. Who the hell is Chuka?"

Let's All Just Live in X-Factor World

By Tom de Plume

This week saw the revamping of Masterchef. What was once a serious cooking competition has now, because this is what the public really want, been reduced to some kind of personality-based sob-fest, where the best predictor of who is likely to progress is their ability to entirely debase themselves by begging, on their knees, whilst fellating John Torrode, together with the quirky movements of Greg Wallace's eyebrows.

Plans were unveiled to turn mundane parts of everyday life into an X-Factor style competition. A pilot scheme is being launched in Oldham, whereby people getting on the number 14 bus will be asked, before buying a ticket, to explain why they need to make the journey. Simplistic answers such as "I need to go to the shops", will not be accepted without some kind of embellishment and back-story. If the answer is not good enough, the person will be knocked back out the bus doors by a comedy retractable boxing glove. And then run over. On TV.

Jes Skelam, the brains behind the project at the thinktank, Pro Bono Simono Cowelus, explained, "The thing is, what the bus driver, and the public travelling on that bus want to know is, not simply why the person is making that journey, but precisely how the recent passing of their dog's sister's previous owner, and the obvious emotional turmoil that would have ensued, has inspired that person to change their lot in life by making a bus trip to Tesco, and this time they're not going to just buy a standard brown loaf, but that one with the seeds in that that all those posh people in Waitrose buy every week. I think this perfectly illustrates that, by bringing these people's mundane, pointless lives to the fore, we can reduce the whole population to a base level where everyone is equally depressed and uninteresting, because rather than doing anything worthwhile with their lives, they are listening to all the uninteresting things other people have done with theirs. It's a kind of Pol Pot approach for the 21st century, but without all the nasty chains and stuff, and less killing. That's the dream, anyway".

Meanwhile, a poll suggested that, when combined with the dumbing down of Radio 4, because targeting the middle class doesn't play well with those same middle-class voters' complete self-disassociation and patronising claims to really be interested in ska music, and William Hill TV, conscientious objection to paying licence fees is on a par as an acceptable form of crusade, along with saving thousands of acres of woodland that you never visit,  or saving libraries you have been to only to force children to read the same tedious 'literature' you now claim to have helped form you into the presumably admirable Radio-4-listening individual you are today.

TV Critic Emma Lincoln commented, "The thing that disappointed me most about this new Masterchef, was that it was, erm, what's the best way to articulate it... complete bollocks. That's an hour of my life I'll never get back. Actually, I might sue".

BBC receives nearly 3,500 complaints from viewers over 'unrealistic' EastEnders alien storyline

From our house price, immigration, and popular soap correspondent, Fiona Pettifort. 

EastEnders has been hit with thousands of complaints in a backlash
over its unrealistic alien invasion storyline. 

Yesterday the BBC revealed it had been contacted by almost 3,500
viewers angry and incredulous about the scenes, which showed a
spaceship lowering into Albert Square and blowing up the newly
refurbished Queen Victoria pub. While programme chiefs re-edited the
sci-fi scenes after a preview screening of the episodes, the show has
still been hit with a furious response from the audience.

Scores of viewers complained that the storyline, which was introduced
last week, was 'ridiculous', 'unrealistic' and 'unbelievable', while
others felt programme-makers were hitting a new sensationalist low to
drum up ratings. 

In the soap, character Phil Mitchell, played by Steve McFadden, smokes
a crack-pipe and stumbles into the Square to see the alien craft
landing. He is then seen standing at the lower steps of the craft and shaking
hands with an extra terrestrial being played by newcomer Sam Attwater.

Others believe the extra terrestrial scenes were too unrealistic for a
family audience and ill-timed during Valentines Day when many couples
were gathered around the TV together.

The show's editor removed shots of an alien from last week's
controversial scenes and also toned down the lights and CGI from the
spacecraft landing near the Bridge Street Market.

One viewer said on the BBC's message-board: ' Eastenders has completely lost the plot - either that or its orbiting somewhere in
space.' 

A BBC spokesman said: 'We appreciate this is a rather far fetched
storyline and have taken care to ensure viewers were aware of the
content in advance of transmission'.

Meerkat Self-Enhancement Shock

From our astrology, zoology and pedagogy correspondent, Mystic Gran Keepers at london zoo have today expressed their shock when one of their meerkats, Kimberly, returned from a recent trip to the 'vet' with an enlarged rear end. One keeper, who did not wish to be named, said that Kimberly had always been a victim of low self-esteem and tried to court the attention of visitors by exposing her rear end and shaking "like an epileptic at a Fatboy Slim gig". Whilst the "vet" who supposedly treated Kimberly is still being sought by zoo officials, a leading feminist group have blamed the likes of Beyonce, Jenifer Lopez and Ferne Britton for this new craze in meerkat buttock enhancement. Louise Paintersin of the Real Girl Power commented, "Women like Beyonce, J.Lo and Ferne deliberately flaunt their bodies to compensate for their lack of intelligence and talent... oh wait, not Ferne. She's just fat." Visitors have however flocked to London Zoo to witness this new attraction. Jes Skelam, a parliamentary researcher from Surrey, added, "That Kimberly is so hot. I wasn't sure where to put the crumpled up fiver tho."

Daily Mail readership list leaked online

From our house price and immigration correspondent, Fiona Pettifort

The Daily Mail tonight vowed to take legal action after its entire readership list was published online in breach of a court injunction.
The paper blamed disgruntled former employees for posting details of the names, postal and email addresses and ages of more than 60,000 readers who have the paper delivered every day.
Details of the hobbies, professions and other areas of expertise of many readers are thought to be included.
The readership list dates from late last year, the DAILY MAIL said, and its publication had been prevented under a high court injunction obtained in April.
Embarrassed paper bosses have complained to the police and are seeking legal advice to prevent the further spread of the data.
Paul Dacre, the DAILY MAIL's editor, said he found out this morning that the injunction had been broken, describing the posting as "malevolent and spiteful".
"This is being done to destabilise the paper after a successful distribution launch on the Costa del Sol and before the launch of our Sunday ‘You’ magazine."
He said the readership list, which was password protected and encrypted, had been stolen from the paper. "This isn't a question of us mislaying the information, this is theft," he said.
Dacre claimed the list contained the names of people who had never been readers of the paper as well as the names of current and former readers. Although the paper is taking action to take down the list, Dacre conceded: "Once it's out, it's out."
"We are worried because kids who deliver the paper are on the list. It is not information that should be in the public domain," he added. "We are always receiving death threats."
He said the paper discovered the information had been leaked when its readership started receiving unsolicited junk mail. "We found that readers were being sent brochures for Saga Holidays and Stannah Stairlifts. We went to the Manchester high court and obtained an injunction. It cost tens of thousands of pounds," he said.
Dacre said the paper had complained to Tonbridge police – the DAILY MAIL carries out much of its administration in Royal Tunbridge Wells – but the force was unable to confirm that a disgruntled complaint had been made.
The publication sparked alarm among the DAILY MAIL's readership.
"I'm also on the list, what the hell is going on? I could lose my credibility," posted one member on a north-west England DAILY MAIL forum.
Another wrote: "God help anyone who is in the army, the prison service, health care, police officer or a teacher. More people will come and steal our jobs"
Since 2004, police officers have faced dismissal if found to be readers of the DAILY MAIL.

MERYL STREEP TO STRETCH ACTING TALENTS

Meryl Streep is to take a leap into the unknown, diversifying her acting prowess and playing an iconic British figure.

 

Having previously focussed her energies on playing a ruthless, self-centred, supremely powerful woman in the Devil Wears Prada, two-time Academy Award winner Streep is to move to a completely different acting milieu, and plumb uncharted depths, by playing.... Margaret Thatcher.

 

Filmologist Jes Skelam commented, “Meryl Streep? Ah yes, the one who made everyone vom, or campaign for the mandatory installation of trapdoors in all cinemas, by cavorting about with Clint Eastwood in that film ‘The Neverending Bridges of Madison County’. Of course, the fact of her being American needn’t be a hinderance. Fans of the recent television adaptation of ‘Any Human Heart (As Long As That Human is a Totally Self-Centred Supremely Callous Sycophant)’,  will have noted that the reality of recent history was not enough to stand in the way of Gillian Anderson, an American, playing Wallis Simpson, an American, with a cut-glass English accent, with something approaching moderate success”.

 

Experts believe this could start a trend, and no part, however quintessentially British, is safe from Hollywood’s grip. Cockney chimney sweeps are prepared to be played by Americans with some kind of weird jig as a cover-up for their lack of any real acting talent. It has even been suggested that Scottish history could be rewritten by narcissitic, Australian/American fascists. Suggestions that American action heroes could be played by small-town Austrian country body-builders who go on to govern the richest state in the U.S., with a GDP the size of Spain’s, and rob it of any financial stability were however dismissed as fantastical.